I feel so fortunate in so many ways. I know many of you are also grieving – so I am not asking for any special condolences – only sharing.
My mother passed away at 3:03 AM on October 31st at 99 years old – under a full blue moon.
My brother Sandy arrived to her room while she was still warm and took some pictures of her for me at my request. It was so comforting for me to be talking with him on the phone while he was in the room with her body.
We both loved her so much and she become sweeter with each day. Her timeline was shrinking, and she longed so much to see her mother, not comprehending that her mother was no longer living. As she become more dependent on others’ memories – she didn’t really have a sense of me being her daughter – she’d tell me repeatedly how much she loved me, how happy she was to hear my voice (I tried to call her each evening since COVID), and how I was one of the most special persons to her! She recognized me, my brother, my son, and my daughter each week when we’d Zoom with her. She could identify our names and was so happy to see us!
My own daughter tells me she couldn’t handle it if I died. She says I am her “Safe Place” and I tell her, I used to feel that way when I was her age as well. I felt like life without my mother would be a huge bottomless hole. Now I know that when I get to be 99 – it will be different – and my daughter will be able to go on.
When I got the news of my mother’s death, a phrase from a song she used to play on the piano and sing came to my mind:
“Oh bear me away on your snowy wings to my immortal home…”
I had no idea what the wings were, or what the rest of the song was – but slowly the rest of the song came to my mind. In memory of my mother, I’d like to share that song sung by Emmylou Harris.
Another favorite I remembered my mother singing, that captures the spirit of the love, the faith, the appreciation she shared for everyone she met and the beauty she saw in nature (she was an amazing flower gardener and an accomplished artistic quilter) is “I Come to the Garden Alone,” sung here by Mahalia Jackson:
It is especially meaningful for me to share this song because a few hours after I found out about my mother’s passing, I had the honor of doing an online “live session” with an international group of therapists, with an interracial couple.
I was able to integrate what I am beginning to learn from many Black colleagues. I felt I was live-streaming my mother’s love to them through our session. I feel my mother’s love mixing with my growing appreciation/rage/discovery of what a client in the live session called “the plight” of being black in America.
Over 100 international participants joined us to witness the power of the EFT model. Clinicians were touched to see how EFT combines clinical skills at the intersection of culture, gender, power, healing, and trust. The couple was very moved by the change events they created in session and by the appreciation and support from the entire group.
A couple of weeks later, Ali Barbosa and I concluded our first 5-week series of EFIT (Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy) Workouts. Both he and I were DELIGHTED with the experience. A group of international therapists from across South, Central and North Americas, Egypt, South Africa, Finland, and parts of Europe formed a dynamic group, and their feedback was overwhelmingly positive.
I am so honored to have in EFT a model that encompasses empathic, curious risk-taking to name the stuck patterns and to shape security, while honoring resiliency and pain. A humble model where we learn together!
Thank you to all of you who are helping me learn.
And thank you to my mother for her love!
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